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The Alysyn Chayns Gallery |
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and the critics all agree! |
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Alysyn Chayns is an unparalleled genius whose work will stand throughout all the ages as the only unit of measure for all works of its kind for all time to come. Surely the only possibility of salvation for humanity and the serenity of utopian enlightenment lie in unconditionally embracing Alysyn Chayns as our new messiah and personal savior. Everything that ever happened in the history of civilization all leads up to this! (Alysyn Chayns - media critic and social commentator) That is so fucked up. (my son said that) I dont care for the tone of your voice and I want you to stop talking to me about your stupid books now or Ill call the police. (that red haired chick up at the liquor store) I think everything you do is wonderful. I always told you, you can do anything you want if you just apply yourself. Do you remember when- (Shut the fuck up already, Mom! I asked for a positive comment, not a half hour monologue.) Hey asshole, if you dont like it here you should move to Iraq!!! (Tony Danza) Savor the tragically sweet and gooey wit and sarcasm of critically acclaimed paranoid misanthrope, Alysyn Chayns |
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INTRODUCTORY HIGHLIGHTS & SPECIAL FEATURES: |
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An introductory collection of ALYSYN CHAYNS highlights and greatest hits |
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ATTENTION FUCKING STUPID SHITHEADS
PUSH THIS BUTTON |
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A collection of actual correspondence with real life publishers |
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Touching and sensitive timeless classic poetry by CHAYNS (last revised 09/26/09) |
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An essay about dynastic wealth and humanitarianism with helpful career advice |
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FUN WITH EXCREMENT! |
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PLEASE VISIT THE ALYSYN CHAYNS MESSAGE BOARD (secondary link also appears lower on this page) AS THE ONLY FORM OF FEEDBACK, ANY COMMENT OR CRITICISM IS OF CONSIDERABLE VALUE AND SINCERELY APPRECIATED |
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THE ORACLE SPEAKS! Its the amazing, astounding oracle page! The Alysyn Chayns blog-journal featuring current events, random utterances & nocturnal emissions |
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ZOMBIES IN THE MIST! Its the ALYSYN CHAYNS Cinematic Review Column! The Alysyn Chayns blog-journal featuring film review & oblique tangential social commentary |
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THE SPECIAL EDITION ASSHOLE COLLECTOR SERIES: |
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BRAND NEW! Special EDITION: AL GORE RHYTHM Blood Diamond Crucible & the Theory of Moral Consumerism |
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BRAND NEW! Special EDITION: THE WHACKY FUTURE WORLD of MICHIO KAKU World Renowned Theoretical Physics Media Personality Guy |
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BRAND NEW! Special EDITION: ALYSYN CHAYNS PRESENTS: THE GALLERY OF PROHIBITED HATS |
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BRAND NEW! Special EDITION: KIRK KILLS EVERYBODY I HATE! |
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THE ALYSYN CHAYNS LITERATURE GALLERY: |
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BRAND NEW!! The Stupidest Book Ever Written! |
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Hard to Describe: |
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BE THE HAT! FEEL THE BURN! DO THE FUNKY CHICKEN! & SHOOT THE MOON! - The only thing stupider than the title or the cover is the shit inside. Its too fucking stupid to try to describe. Heres what the critics have to say about it: Its too fucking stupid to try to describe! (Jeff Nobel) Egads! (Art Dekko) Rating: «
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BRAND NEW!! The Conspiracy Theorists Handbook: |
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The Rational Self-Interest Deprogramming Manual: |
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HUNGRY AS A MOTHERFUCKER UP IN THIS SHIT (ESSENTIAL FUNDAMENTALS: COMMERCIAL ADVERTISING, FREE SPEECH, RATIONAL SELF-INTEREST, THOUGHT-CONTROL & PSYCHOPATHIC PERSONALITY DISORDER) - An in-depth examination of the sadism of miscreant philosophy, the brainwashing program of psychopath evangelism (otherwise known as advertising) and the barbaric ideology of market economics that reduces humanity to an insufferable rabble of slobbering mindless tools. The critics hardly know what to say: I hardly know what to say. (Jeff Nobel) This is either a great masterpiece and the crowning achievement of the Chayns body of work, or maybe just another stupid piece of shit. (Art Dekko) Rating: ««««« |
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The Supplemental Booklet that Changed the Course of History! HOW MANY COSMOLOGISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? A compact catalog of cosmological conundrums subjected to the harsh reality of harsh reality, the bizarre and preposterous yet serious threats of cosmological terrorism, and the scientific secrets that unlock all the great riddles of the ancient past. |
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The Book that Revolutionized Toilet Paper: |
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The Soilent Majority Report: |
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soilent majority - After a pointless and fruitless multiyear exploration into economic and philosophical theme oriented journalism and the completion of six incomprehensible manifestos rivaled only by the work of the immortal Ted Kaczynski, Chayns returns to random commentary, twice as fucked up as the last time, with this crowning achievement of inconsequential minutia. Heres what the critics think: I already told you I dont like that stuff. (that red haired chick up at the liquor store) I think my mom might have accidentally washed my copy of that with my socks. (that weirdo who sleeps in the empty refrigerator carton out in the field) You suck, I hate you and I hope you die. (email from a guy named W4ever) Rating: ««« |
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The Nobel Prize Winning ASSCLOWN TRILOGY: |
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ASSCLOWN TRILOGY Volume I - Mother of All Economic Theory: |
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YOU ATE / YOU EAT (Debunking the Mythology of Modern Economic Theory by Exposing the Diabolical Conspiracy of Cute Euphemism and Esoteric Jargon) - (if you own a hammer, and you hit yourself in the face with it and it hurts, you are a capitalist) - Not since e=mc2 has a mathematical equation rocked the very foundations of civilization with such devastating magnitude! If youre not a communist yet, hurry up and burn your SUV now, because once you open the cover, it all only keeps getting worse from there. Heres what the critics have to say: Makes Einstein look like a fucking dickhead! (Jeff Nobel) I dont get it. (that red haired chick up at the liquor store) I bludgeoned my parents in their sleep and set their shit on fire before I was halfway through! (that weirdo who sleeps in the empty refrigerator carton out in the field) Rating: ««« |
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ASSCLOWN TRILOGY Volume II - Mother of All Philosophical Theory: |
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Barbarian horde / zombie nation (How Existentialism ruined everything and polluted humanity with God-like supermen and mindless zombies thereby leaving the rest of us no alternative but to massacre all those who oppose us) The junk philosophy of existentialism exposed and debunked in a nonstop thrill ride of roller coaster emotion. Youll laugh! Youll cry! Youll drink nail polish remover and set your hair on fire. Youll do what I tell you to do motherfucker, now sit the fuck down and read the God damn book already. Heres what the critics think: You should probably seek professional help. (Jeff Nobel) I dont care for the tone of your voice and I want you to stop talking to me about your stupid books now or Ill call the police. (that red haired chick up at the liquor store) Rating: «««« |
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ASSCLOWN TRILOGY Volume III - Mother of All Cosmological Theory: |
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PARASITE UNIVERSE (The Theory of General Self-Centricity) - (how cosmology turned science into religion, unlocked all the secrets of the cosmos, ended up right back at the creation, and learned nothing along the way) - Theoretical physics, thermodynamics, the periodic tables, astrophysics, quarks and quantum mechanics Fuck all that - This is about real science, like theology for instance. Heres what critics are saying: It doesnt make any sense at all. (Jeff Nobel) Fuck you, it makes perfect sense, you dick. Youre just too stupid to get it. (Alysyn Chayns - media critic and social commentator) Rating: ««««« |
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The SELF IMPROVEMENT COMPANION BOOKS: |
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SELF IMPROVEMENT Volume I - Good Film Criticism for a Healthy Life: |
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The Mirror has Two Horses Asses (How Star wars led to the decline of civilization and how to become a Knowledgeable and Informed Film and entertainment Critic and use those Skills Later to orchestrate the massacre of ALL those who Oppose You) - The Mirror has Two Horses Asses is a tender and gentle instruction manual offering old fashioned home spun wisdom and down-to-earth practical everyday advice on how to use good film criticism techniques to justify and rationalize the massacre of all those who oppose you. Rating: «« |
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SELF IMPROVEMENT Volume II - Good Life Criticism for a Healthy Film: |
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Mustafa My Champagne is Tepid (How to overcome the difficulties and inconveniences of the collapse of civilization and avoid the random carnage of a war torn third world and still have a really decent vacation at a reasonable price) - Mustafa My Champagne is Tepid offers sensitive and helpful advice on how to keep an optimistic attitude in the final days of the pre-World War III era, develop and nurture a positive self-image, and feel good about Arab genocide and the massacre of all those who oppose you. Rating: «« |
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MANIFESTO!: |
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The Utopian MAGNUM DOPUS: |
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HOAX (The Corruption of History and Civilization by the Dominant Alpha Male, the Class War, and the Perpetual Aristocratic Conspiracy to Defraud Humanity and Steal the EARTH and Eat Tom Cruises Baby!) - HOAX contains a classic massive collection of trademark random commentaries including the smash hits, Parasite Universe and A Homo Way from Home, as well as a utopian theoretical master plan for the restructuring of society, the preservation of the earth, and the massacre of all those who oppose. Rating: «« |
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The dumb asshole Series: |
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The Timeless Classic DUMB ASSHOLE Series: |
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DUMB ASSHOLE Volume VII (Dumpf Aussenhoel) (TELL YOUR STORY WALKIN), the crowning achievement of the series featuring a contemporary politics theme highlighted by the controversial essay on contemporary American hypocrisy, Dont Cry for Me, Venezuela, the conspiracy theorists anthology, Kill Everybody I Hate, the vitriolic condemnation of ambiguous contemporary doublespeak, No Shoes, No Shirt, No Bullshit, and the derisive expose' of inarticulate talk show nitwits, Stupid is as Stupid Misnomers. If you only read one book titled Dumb Asshole, make this the one! Rating: «« |
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The Timeless Classic DUMB ASSHOLE Series: |
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DUMB ASSHOLE Volume VI (ON THE FOCSLE OF A TRAMP STEAMER), features an eclectic and entirely unrelated assortment of topics highlighted by the monumental anthropological thesis, The Problem with Gay Cowboys including the thoughtful and insightful linguistic summation, The Colloquial Accent is for Ignorant Redneck Boobs, and the rock-n-roll critics quick reference guide, Stairway to Irrelevance. If you only read one book titled Dumb Asshole, dont make it this one because theres like three other ones way better than this but if you read those others first, make this the next one you read but even if you dont read it, at least read The Colloquial Accent is for Redneck Boobs because even though the book kind of sucks, that one article is right up at the top with some of the very finest works of the series. Rating: « |
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The Timeless Classic DUMB ASSHOLE Series: |
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DUMB ASSHOLE Volume V (IF IT DOESNT HURT, ITS NOT ART), proudly presents such highly sophisticated works as the original version of the profoundly sensitive and thought provoking poem, Mental Fornication, the hard hitting expose' on contemporary lustful vengeance, Barking up a Dead Horse and Fucking the Wrong Tree, and the searing contribution to the war on Christmas, Im Dreaming of a Caucasian Christmas. Its profanity laced paranoid delusion the whole family can enjoy with a big ass Yule log! Rating: « |
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The Timeless Classic DUMB ASSHOLE Series: |
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dumb asshole Volume IV (EAT ME - KISS MY ASS & GO FUCK YOURSELF), features the unfocused and semi-incoherent preliminary version of the half-assed utopian manifesto featured in the brilliant Magnum Dopus HOAX, topped off with a concise collection of random current events articles including such gems as the boisterous indictment of presumptuous and capricious talk show hosts, Talking Shitheads, and the critical review of the directorial and screenwriting talents of Quentin Tarrantino, Kill Bill then Kill Everyone Responsible for Making that Film then Burn All the Film. Rating: «« |
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The Timeless Classic DUMB ASSHOLE Series: |
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DUMB ASSHOLE Volume III (A VIEW OF THE WORLD THROUGH SHIT-COLORED GLASSES), features a collection of articles written immediately after Hurricane Katrina including, Flotsam, Jetsam and Dumbass Crackers and In the Land of the Dumb Asshole the Fucked Up Brainless Shithead is King, along with other current events topics such as the war on terror expositions, Bedouin You than Me and Osama been Jivin. Rating: «« |
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The Timeless Classic DUMB ASSHOLE Series: |
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DUMB ASSHOLE Volume II (STICK THAT UP YOUR ASS AND SMOKE IT), features a couple relatively clever articles in an otherwise embarrassing amateurish collection of really bad commentary from the naοve and innocent early years, dug out of soggy mildewed cardboard boxes in my Moms basement (and some of it might even have been in the crawl space). The highlight of the book occurs with the article, A Collection of Letters to God, Written by Actual Children and a Collection of Anonymous Letters to Other People (Not God) I Found in a Yellow Envelope Discarded on a Park Bench, featuring letters such as: Dear God, Please Kill Everybody I Hate, Dear God, Please Kill David Lee Roth, Dear God, Please Kill Ann Coulter and the toxic and volatile excoriation of Nancy Reagan, Metaphors for the Downtrodden. Rating: « |
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The Timeless Classic DUMB ASSHOLE Series: |
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DUMB ASSHOLE Volume I (WAKE UP AND SMELL THE DOGSHIT), features - well - pretty much just a bunch of totally fucked up shit, but I like to keep it around because it makes it look like I did more and trying to eliminate it would obviously totally fuck up the series numbering scheme Rating: « |
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The CHAYNS Rating System pretty much boils down to a totally contrived bullshit process by which CHAYNS, NOBEL, ERDMAN and DEKKO each rate each book then average out the difference. Ratings: («««« = better than Lord of the Rings or The Bible) (««« = good) («« = marginal) (« = totally sucks) |
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Coming Attractions ! ! ! Future titles in the works by Chayns THE SELF IMPROVEMENT HOW TO TALK TO SERIES |
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About the Author: Only a pathetic loser with no self-esteem would give a shit about the author. Fuck you and mind your own fucking business, you invasive prick. You dont need to know anything about the author and never should have been curious enough to look at this shit in the first place. Look at the rest of the website if you like, but please leave me out of your demented fantasies. |
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Visit the FUCKING STUPID SHITHEAD BOOK CLUB for more recommended reading, and get great deals on the hottest new biographies! |
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THE ALYSYN CHAYNS
LINK DIRECTORY |
Its the No Kill Eye link to the No Kill I links (a cool collection of unique site links operated by the No Kill I Star Trek punk rock band) |
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and the No Kill Eye link to the website of legendary No Kill I bassist Dave uh Smith with humorous stories and clever writing styles |
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Got my phaser set on thrill! (the awesome buttkickin No Kill I theme song) |
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The Greatest STAR TREK website in the world |
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My myspace space! |
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The defining moment of my generation |
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Rediscover the roots of rock with the greatest rock band in history |
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It looks as cool as it sounds |
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Its the wacky misadventures of kooky Chinamen, zany Orientals and legendary talk show hosts |
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ITS NOT JUST FOR ATHLETES ANYMORE! |
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Its the NEW IMPROVED |
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WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH MY FAMILY |
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resignation form letter, carefully scrutinized by our professional staff of legal experts and guaranteed free of self-incrimination! Just cut and paste the contents onto your official letterhead and youve got yourself one dandy of a professional quality resignation letter perfect for any occasion! |
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Visit the ALYSYN CHAYNS MESSAGE BOARD and leave a hateful message for Chayns, or meet interesting people on line, tell them youre a girl to lure them to secluded forest preserves then kill them. Your imagination is the only limit to the potential for fun and entertainment on the ALYSYN CHAYNS MESSAGE BOARD! |
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| F A Q |
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS: |
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Q. What is Big Mac secret sauce? A. Thousand Island dressing. Q. Where is my missing blue sock? A. Under the cushion on the left side of the sofa. Q. Do these pants make my ass look fat? A. No. Your fat ass makes your ass look fat. Q. Why doesnt my mother love me? A. Because you are an asshole. |
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| F U Q |
FREQUENTLY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS: |
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GOT QUESTIONS? |
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ASK CHAYNS! |
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The Alysyn Chayns Advice Column |
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Confused about cosmology and theology? Worried by global warming? Dont know which candidates to vote for? Cant find that missing sock? |
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and benefit from the wisdom of a world class philosopher with a genius IQ and a high school dropout. Ask anything! Chayns knows everything! |
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